Today is October 1 which means the beta period is almost over and I am exactly one month away from going live with Me 2.0! Yes, I’m calling it “going live” instead of “full time.” It’s more fun this way and “full time” makes it sound like it’s a job. And while I’m on the topic my own personal nomenclature I use for transition, I often like to say things like “regeneration” (yes, like The Doctor) instead of “transition” and “running estrogen on unlicensed hardware.” The whole thing is completely life-altering, might as well have fun with it, right?
After spending the first 29 years of my life in denial about my need to transition, I can’t believe how close I am now. I came up with excuse after excuse to continue living a lie and I never thought I would go ahead with it, but here I am, just 31 days away from completely leaving the lie behind and living the life I was always supposed to live.
When I finally opened my eyes and accepted the truth and reality about what being transgender meant for me, I didn’t know what the road ahead was going to be like. I didn’t know what my timeline would be and it was hard to imagine I’d ever actually get there. By the time I go live, it’ll have been almost 18 months since I made my decision, seven months on hormones, fifteen months since my first laser hair removal session, thousands of tweets and Tumblr posts, and even more thousands of dollars. But it’s so close!
I still have a lot to do in this last month though. I’ve been racing over the last few weeks to expand my wardrobe enough to actually get by and I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still have a few places that need some work. Over the next few weeks, I need to finalize my plan with HR for coming out at work—which will be fun since my HR person just quit—and write my letter to my coworkers. I also need to write a small message to post on Facebook for the remaining friends and family I’m not yet out to. Then there are smaller things I’d like to find time for like getting a haircut, practicing my makeup more (seriously, how the hell do you put on eyeliner?!), and getting my ears pierced. There isn’t some official list I keep, but in the back of my mind, there’s a mess of things I’d like to get done before November 1.
When I set November 1st as my target go-live date a few months ago, I didn’t know if it’d actually stick or not. At the time, it was just something to shoot for and I expected the date to change, but it hasn’t and, as it gets closer, it’s feeling more and more like I’m ready for it. I’ve reached a point now where I’m spending most of my time on the weekends with the switch flipped over to girl mode and I no longer care what strangers may think of me when I’m in public. Hearing my birth name and being referred to in any way as a man makes me cringe even when it’s from someone who doesn’t know I’m trans and wearing men’s clothes has gotten completely uncomfortable. At this point, I couldn’t be more ready for this.
T-minus 31 days and counting.