Though I’ve considered the physical part of my transition over for a little while now, transition isn’t something you go through for a little while and then just ends. At least not for me. I still have plenty of issues and plenty of things that bother me about myself, but, for the most part, I can look in the mirror and be pretty damn happy about how far I’ve come. If this were to be the absolute best my transition can give me, I’d be able to live with that pretty easily.
Still, like I said, there are things which bother me. I’m still bothered by my hairline, the size of my hands and feet, my barely existent boobs, the slope of my forehead and my browline, and my stomach. These are the biggest things I see that scream “man!” when I look in the mirror. In reality, they’re not that bad, they’re rather workable, but we all have those things we just can’t stop focusing on.
Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I don’t think transition will ever end for me. I will always be learning and growing, moving past the things I’d previously learned. I’ll always be dealing with hangups and self-doubt. I’ll always be self-conscious.
But this past weekend was an awesome and unexpected demonstration of my growth and ability to see my beauty. For the first time since presenting myself as Amelia, I felt comfortable leaving the house without any makeup on for more than just grabbing a cup of coffee. I’m talking not even concealer, which I usually bathe in. That’s pretty wild. I also found that I can be comfortable without hitting my hair with a straightener at all. I went out yesterday with it thrown up in a ponytail and with a thin headband holding in the shorter hairs. My hairline was on full display and I wasn’t the least bit concerned. Even a few weeks ago, there would have been no way I’d leave the house like this. If you’ve looked at any photos of me, you’ll notice, unless I’m running, I always have my hair sweeping across my forehead to hide as much of my hairline as possible. If I had more hair up front, I’d have bangs. No, I didn’t even look close to my best, but I was good enough to feel comfortable in public. This was a big step for me.
I also went out in just shorts, a tank top, and flip flops yesterday. I never thought I’d ever get to a point where I was comfortable like this. My shoulders and my feet were on display. My feet aren’t just big, they’re ugly too. But I painted my toenails pink and rocked those flip flops. This was the first time I’d left the house in seven months with my toes exposed. I feared having my feet stuck in closed shoes, sweating all summer, but now I’ve set my precedent that I can do this and I can let go of the fear of people seeing my feet.
There was a lot of me being exposed, but I didn’t really even think twice about it. In fact, I was so happy about all of this and feeling so self-confident that I almost decided to start looking for a bathing suit. Almost.
These things sound like minor things and for pretty much any other woman wouldn’t even be things they’ve ever thought about, but for me all of this is a big deal. These are insecurities I’m becoming free from. These are things which can no longer hold me back. I thought summer would be nearly impossibly difficult for me to get through, but I’m starting to feeling up to it and I’m determined to get into a bathing suit before Labor Day hits.
I transitioned so I could live my life freely as me and I’ll be damned if I’m going to come this far and be held back from enjoying myself.