Apparently, today is my two year HRTiversary (anniversary of the day I started hormone replacement therapy). Who knew? I mean, I guess I did in the back of my head, but I completely forgot about it. I only even thought about it today because of a friend who reminded me this morning by wishing me happy HRTiversary.
I feel like I’m supposed to write something about this? Honestly, these anniversaries (HRT, “full time,” coming out, etc) feel like they’ve lost any real meaning to me. Sure, these days mark very important steps in my life towards happiness and honesty, but they also remind me of how long I told myself lies to avoid all of this and all the reasons why I had to. Why isn’t this my ten or eleven year HRTiversary? It easily could have been.
So, really, I don’t have much to say about this, but I do think it’s kind of ironic this is the day after Transgender Day of Visibility, a day which I have so many conflicting feelings about. Visibility is cool and all, but it’s also dangerous and brings extra attention to us, both individually and as a community. I try to be visible every day, but that’s just how I like to live my life. Partially, it’s because I don’t want to hide being trans anymore, partially because it allows me to take control of it and my identity, and…I don’t know, there are a bunch of other reasons too. Anyway, I’m not going to really go much into that when Red Durkin really nailed it yesterday. Just go read that.
I think my point here is I live being trans every day, anniversaries of various steps I took along the way seem kind of redundant. Absolutely, it’s nice to take a brief moment and be like “whoa, I can’t believe it’s been that long already” or “huh, that’s it? Feels like it’s been forever!” And that’s kind of the thing, some days it feels like it’s only been a brief part of my life, like the days when I’m reminded I’m still figuring out some parts of (openly) existing as a woman in the world. But there are other days where my pre-transition life feels like an entirely different life. It feels like a lifetime ago, like maybe it was just a past life and I’ve since reincarnated as this trans as fuck person who only kind hates herself instead of entirely hating herself.
Either way, the past is the past and it’s important to never forget it and learn everything you can from it. I wouldn’t change anything about it because I wouldn’t risk changing who I am. But…it’s the past. It’s done. I try to look forward as much as possible. Tons of awesome things have happened and changed over the last couple of years, but I feel like making any real big deal about these anniversaries is giving the past more attention than it deserves…or maybe just misplaced attention. I don’t know. It just feels weird, okay?
Man, that was cynical, wasn’t it? I swear I’m not nearly that cynical of a person!
Anyway, on a different note, being testosterone-free for two years is pretty fucking rad!